I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
There's a girl in here wearing a kaballah bracelet and a miley Cyrus tshirt. consider her judged.
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
Randomize
