I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
Randomize
