We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
Randomize
