I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Randomize
