i already hear my dad disowning me
Any toy can be an adult toy. Location, location, location.
she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
You're probably reading this when you wake up from your "nap" in the front yard. Maybe next week you should go to class, and not start Thirsty Thursday at 9:30 in the morning.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Randomize
