A joint and a Nerds Rope = breakfast of champions for the unemployed
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
My last two google searches are "shiny things" and "Ohio consent laws." you should visit more often.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
Randomize
