It was confusing and full of hummus
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
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