Do you still have your period?
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
Randomize
