I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
okay just a general question, but if i got arrested, who here would bail me out. this is important.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
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