final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
Randomize