I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
Randomize
