also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
Randomize
