Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
I know I'm not learning anything when I can't even spell the name of the class I'm taking
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
Randomize
