He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
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