I'm pretty sure "Like A Prayer" will forever remind me of drunk nights & pants down around the ankles
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
we could do so many fantastic illegal things together. sexually and otherwise.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
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