He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
We broke my graduation cords last night when we used them to tie each other up during sex last night
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
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