My cat gives me a boner
operation harelip BJ is a go
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
banged a milf last night. she left right after cause of parent teacher conferences this morning. victory.
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
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