five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
girl in the front row yawned. double jointed jaw. i know where i'll be sitting next class
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
well i mean she can't stop a weed based friendship...its like a trying to stop a bomb or a really fast train...
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
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