I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
its not everyday you see batman on the ground with someone riverdancing on his face bourbon street never disappoints
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
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