I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
I just felt emotion and I'm not okay with it
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
Randomize
