What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
areolas are like halos for boobs.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
