Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Randomize