Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
This can only be settled by a dance off.
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize
