Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
