I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
so i was just informed that i sang that song "pop that pussy ayyy pop that pussy" at the halloween party saturday. iembarrassing.
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
Just had to pull out another loan to pay for that public drunkenness citation. I am so ready to graduate.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Randomize
