So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
Instead of.being an intelligent and mature adult and dealing with my feelings I chose to get hammered and fuck flounder
Eh it happens
Randomize
