Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
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