hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
On a scale of one to trashy, how is this: Got drunk, gave a guy a hand job. In the middle of the bar
I think you broke the trashy scale
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
Can't decide if this guy is hot or if I'm just bored.
Sex is clearly the solution either way.
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Randomize
