i just realized that fran drescher is the 90's version of a guidette.
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
At least life still wants to fuck me.
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
Randomize
