your parents love me but you hate me
it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
Everyone loves nachos, first of all. Second, Ke$ha is entirely appropriate for the age grou too young to realize she probably has Hep C.
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
This toilet bowl is my home.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
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