im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
He fucked me in one of the back rooms at the club then gave me an altoid. I have mixed feelings about it still.
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
Randomize