You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
there may have been a blood oath never to speak of it again...only reason i can think of as to why there was a 1 inch bloody cut on my right boob
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
Randomize
