im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
Randomize
