He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
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