in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
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