so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
Randomize