Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
Randomize
