The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
He was actually able to throw up in the bucket from the top bunk. im impressed.
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
hahaha my homeschooled cousin put up graduation pictures. it's just her standing in front of her fire place. With a hand made diploma.
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
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