I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
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