3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
Two kids are drinking pounders in class. I think I'm hanging out with the wrong group of friends.
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
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