its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
its like accelerated beer pong for children.....we train champions young
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
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