ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
Randomize