If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
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