cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
she is unbelievable! ever pee on a girl?
not while she was awake
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
Randomize
