ahhh, you guys look like a cute little family in the cop car!
It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
