Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
Body shots with my MILFs MILF!!
All I did was send my mom an ecard
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
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