saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
On an unrelated note: I'm also a big advocate of the "never waste a boner" theory.
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
Randomize
