wanna go halves on a baby?
Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
let's have our labels/stereotypes/careers for each kid by next week.
oh how i love working at summer camp.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
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I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
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