i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
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