I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
