She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
I'm going to appeal my grade. Is it better to look studious or slutty?
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
Randomize
