Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
It smells like Drakkar Noir and desperation out here.
That's why you should quit smoking.
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
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