Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
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