I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
Instead of medicine they should just give ecstasy. Also I'm tingly and can't find u guys. A gay man just said he loved me... :( / :)
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
Randomize
