i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
Randomize
