Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
