You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
there should be a relationship option on facebook "stillllll in a relationship"
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
Randomize
